Nothing to say, huh? No pretentious claims to predict the twists and foreshadowing? No demands for changes?... this has to be the most complacent and apathetic audience I've had in quite some time. 
yes very difficult and also feisty vm 00 so because i dont realy see some feedback on this thread ill try to give you some, despite my terrific and ubermost ugly foreign language skill i hope you get some outofit there
ye so like at the begiining your
*insert ghostly maniacal laughter here*, i wouldnt insert it because its kinda unfitting to the general mood of
*My name is Karr Amicus Xon. In life I was a jedi, taken from early age for training and ascending in time to a position on the Council as a Master of the Order.* i think you should do a real prolog there because its kinda important to give the reader all initial information and keep him ehm close to the plot ( like in star wars VI, princess mum beeing chased by the imperial star deaztroyer aso, all important story is right away presented, good >< bad, stoormtroopers aso, like it could also have started on the desert planet with luke finding the droids, but it didnt becauser itz important to have a furious start, especially for scifi prosa ) maybe a flashback from some future point or smt idk, also maybe a more deep insight from you who already knows the entire plot, however you should definatly work on the prolog
*This is a three-part tale about a paramount part of my life. It takes place when I was a knight of the Order, I had only just taken Ekul as my padawan...* this is very good, could be written on the ehm cover, or backcover, but hey again, who is ekul? ^^
wellthen yea the first chapter The Pebble in the Pond, you shouldnt start with the beep bepp, its really noob and i think your narative skill is well enough to be understood, but thats a personal oppinion, i just dont like stuff that is not generally fitting in the literal form ( this is important)! also at this point i can add that the general layout of the story is totally fcked up, way to many ehm paragraphs, you can easy loose the track, but that might be due to the forum
so yea chapter 1, your getting your mission: get the gangsters on nar shadaa (what is nar shadaa? x) the details, you get going, again btw, who is Master pannther ( ik ik) i always asume a reader that doesnt know sht, like what is a wookie? o0 again btw the talk with padawan ekul oo very good, kinda relaxes the situation of explainment very good pull. also very good:
*I stood up and bowed. Master PannTher bowed and then licked his arm; he clearly didn't get all the way through his morning routine.* good laugh, big relaxer again
*I've always liked space; I think it had something to do with the quiet and with the stars. But this time it seemed a pinch too mundane; the station was bustling with people as always and GR and I fit in just fine, not that there was any threat yet anyways. As I sat at my terminal I watched the transport arrive outside the terminal, a large cruiser. Once it was unloading I saw that it was loaded with people coming to Coruscant, some of them on business but most of them looking like poorer folk planning to stay in Coruscant; probably a nice move from Nar Shaddaa.* my favorite part in chapter 1 there really nice setting
again the hyperspace seqence to nar shadaa
"*bong*... Please take your seats and buckle in, prepare for the jump to hyperspace in 60 seconds."
I sat down in the nearest seat but didn't buckle in, I've done enough space travel to not get caught off guard by the jump and fall down.
"...*bong* Thirty seconds........................................All crew and passengers please brace yourselves. Hyperspace jump in 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2..."
At that moment the ship violently jolted and the image outside the window peeled away to thin streaks and we were in hyperspace.
"... *bong* You may now resume movement about the ship freely. We'll be exiting hyperspace in approximately twelve hours. In the mean time, we at Nar Shaddaa Transit would like to invite you to the Cafe and Observation decks and enjoy your flight!"total wakas and gey like hell, whoT? the countdown started 10 9 8 7 ok you get the point a **bong** is just a loud sound filled with adjectives idk in inglais like echoing through the halls aso.
ok back to the story, you then get arrested on that transport, cool scene real tension, real good narrating of your part then in the monolog and the escape out of the cellblog there total cool and action loaded, but lookout there your not getting into that cocky tone 2 much like here
*At this point I silently and quickly ran from my cover and leaped lightly onto the back of the controls, perching like a bird on the console with a big smile! The guy still in the console area heard me and turned around suddenly, startled by the sound!
"Hi!" I said as I punched him hard, knocking him down cold!* well yea id bet you said nothing x)
ok then you get going to takeover the ship, free the first officer aso, real good part, maybe a bit overloaded
also the part with steve the guard, very funny, good entertainment factor ,)
"Mmm hmm... sure." he rolled his eyes, "FIRE!" l0l!
then very well told story all the way up to
*"Alright men! Thanks to-" he looked over at me.
"Karr Xon." I laughed.* tension > climax very well narrated by you also there
ok then you start really taking back the ship, way to much cylindrical shapes here one on another your getting a headache when trying to imagine the situation also the trouble comes a bit of surprising, like you didnt know what elso could happen
*....onward I went, step by step. Time seemed to stagger and the air was hot with energy; it was most uncomfortable and I felt terribly cut off from the rest of the universe. Suddenly, my commlink buzzed to life.
"Karr! This is Gromdlore! We've been found out! They're assaulting our position heavily; they may have diverted more than just half their forces from the bow." he was yelling and I could hear blaster fire in the background.*
but ok ik ik most of the following reads itself (o0) very smooth, very well told also
*"I read you *gasp* Gromdlore...*gasp* what was that second jolt?" I asked between breaths, rubbing my legs; on both sides I could start my upper leg again and the rest of my leg began to feel like it was asleep, which was a good sign. The smell of burnt hair still held heavy in the air, it was hard to not to vomit when I could smell the burnt flesh of the guard.
"The ship took some sort of hit when it came out of hyperspace!"*
good tension turning point there, youre really like, dude get them ship already!
also the following part where you
*sat in the maintenance room for a while.* very good part, very chilly setting also good reraise to the main plot there, but also a bit ockward ( i dont care if itz written otherwise x) ok then you go into that computer core, the dude has unfortunatly deleted the death star plans already x)) KarrXon has still no idead of whats going on really and you reach the bridge of them transport ship finally but instead of another fine action scene the reader gets a detailed description of the damn bridge, i dont like this part, also the talk between the large leader and the other guy seems kinda unreal
*"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" he yelled with a voice full of rage and hatred! "Filthy betraying B----!!!"
"What further action do you recommend, sir?" the frightened man asked, retreating a step back with the sudden burst of rage from his leader.* there idk kinda unreal
well yea, then you find out about the transportship plot and the lady of nar shader
( you could also instead of the previous dialog between the large leader and the otherguy, makeitso that KarrXon is watching a hollo-tranzmission between them lady and that Commander Bulgren like: Yo beotch why you trying to blow us up heh? You led the jedi here you F00l ! idk just an idea, worked great for episodes 1-3 .)
so then you work together with largeleader and do some real kinky stuff
Bulgren:
*"What the hell's going on?"* l0l! nice pull 0o also the final sequence with the heroic first mate rescuing you, very nice+
ok sht i gtg to a star trek conversion now, ill continue from
*I had unpleasant images in my sleep, but I would not be able to recall them. As I stirred from my sleep, my senses slowly returned to me....*next time im here *nerdishwink*
