Jedi Order -=Year 243=-
Jedi Order Temple => Other Star Wars stuff => Lore and Legend - Star Wars => : *<JO>*KarrXon April 28, 2009, 03:23 AM
-
You know the routine with these things. I like feedback, so enjoy! ;D
-
Nice start, make sure you bring your Padawan tho, Master! xD
And I love the end, lol.
-
Haha not that time, but he does enter into the trilogy later.
-
Can't wait!
-
Sorry for the double post but,
lets just hope this nice Twi'Lek isn't evil! :(
-
I love it.
Kept my attention and was very interesting, i always read your stuff all the way through it doesnt get boring?
-
I always have liked your stories. :) Its off to a great start!
-
Glad you guys like it, (though I'm not sure why Vargus's comment was a question)...
The twi'lek is totally just a talkative passenger, I swear... ::)
-
Awesome once again, why don't you send this story to a publisher? lol
-
Was the part about the detention cell in there when you read it?... because I posted that last night but suddenly it's no longer on the thread... kind of annoying.
-
haha I like the new part.
-
I forgot how strange it was to try and describe combat in an understandable way... haha
-
Heh, nice parst once again :D
-
No F***ing way!!!!
HE"S BAAAAAAAAACK!
Regards,
Menelaos
-
Master Karr is the greatest writter the Jedi Order has ever had.
I've printed this and will read it later during my son's football practice.
Glad to have you back Master.
Regards,
Menelaos
-
Son of a diddly! Menelaos knows I'm back... guess it's time to go into hiding again...
*puts the lampshade back on his head and suddenly Menelaos looks around, befuddled*
-
Don't you bloody dare!
Check your PM's.
Regards,
Menelaos
-
No, YOU check your PMs!!...
... not because you'll find anything there, just because I needed some kind of comeback.
-
So Karr is now responsible for a "double come back" ;)
Ok, not as funny...but say it in an Dr. Evil voice as you raise your pinky finger to your mouth and it will be funny!!!
Regards,
Menelaos
-
I refuse to do such a stupid thing, insolent peasant!
-
Hey!
Don't speak to Ek like that!
Regards,
Menelaos
-
Fiiine... I guess I'll stop talking to Ek like tha- HEY!...
-
(http://www.redcar-cleveland.gov.uk/museums.nsf/peasant-costume2.gif)
> : (
-
Ooooh soo THAT'S what a "coif" is... this whole time I thought my Medieval History teacher was talking REALLY dirty!
-
"And then the supports broke..."
Heh, I'm particularly proud of that cliff hanger ending for my last post... ;D
-
Sorry about the third post in a row but I haven't gotten any feedback on the story in a while and I've added a fair bit since the last bit of feedback...
I really want your guys's feedback on this story and I want to know anything you're thinking, even if it's just "Why did you do blah blah?" or even "I like this part when______" and so on... just want to know if people are reading and enjoying.
-
Im enjoying it. :)
-
I'm curious about that shiver throughout your spine part, Master :P
-
Thanks for the sparse yet appreciated feedback, at least I know it's being read. But please don't call me "master"... just "Karr" or "Karrsper the Friendly Ghost"... though "Karrsper the Mildly Amiable Poltergeist" would be more accurate, I should think. "Master" feels weird... I think Mene still says it once in a while to me, but I'm used to it from him. Same with Ekul.
-
Heh, okay *almost says Master again* ehh Karrsper :)
-
Just got done with the next bit... pretty big chunk, but a lot happens and I really like it. Let me know what you think! ;D
-
Waaa! Awesome :D
Karr's Force Unleashed!
I hope Bulgren's happy with you :P
-
The new part's great, Master!
-
You know I have always loved your stories...I just think that Master Menelaos should be the star in them ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who is Ekul anyway? Was he a member or JO??
Regards,
Menelaos
-
I liked the build up to the small finale....
The unecessarily fast and epic way you destroyed those gunships was a bit silly after you drew your saber into the air it kinda went downhill for me....
The speed of which you destroyed those gunships was a bit unreal? could of drawn it out i think......
-
I see your point, Vargus. I wrote that pretty late at night and I think I was tired and wanted to wrap up that segment as soon as I could. I'll revise it; thanks for the genuine feedback!... but now I have to KILL you!... haha nah, I'm just kidding... or am I?... *cocks an eyebrow*
-
There, it's revised, and I like this one much more! I hope you do too! Unfortunately there isn't really an easy way to drag out a fairly quick event; I do that enough as it is and I don't want to get too convoluted. Even in movies, most of the actual action doesn't take very long at all; we just get so focused that it seems to happen slower. I'm still interested in your feedback, though!
-
Hm, this new part is more realistic, I like it better :)
-
brilliant brilliant ^^
i like it alot!
-
I like it a lot too!
-
Glad you liked it. I'll add more soon.
-
And after any pulse-quickening, mind-bending, suspense-hanging action scene there is a COMPULSORY boring scene where the writer has explain what the hell all just happened... haha
-
awesome
-
Agreed :D
-
I like GR-58... ;D
-
Wait, I still see no MENE!! This story sucks!!
Regards,
Menelaos
-
That's cause I'm investigating something... not attempting to get drunk and depressed! OOOHHHH!!! :-X
-
I said Mene, not Cosmo ;) OOOHHHHH!!!
Regards,
Your Daddy!
-
Oh MENE! I see, yes, my apologies you're right, I thought you said Cosmo.
So I'm curious to hear what people think is going on...
-
good story, read it while eating pizza, good entertainment factor
-
Haha what a delightfully professional way to say something that's quite simple.
Instead of "It's entertaining," you say "It has a good entertainment factor." Makes you sound way smarter... or sillier, if the person is really paying attention. ;D
-
Wow, you progressed alot while I was gone, Master. I need to get back in there!!
-
Hope you enjoy the read! ;D
-
Nothing to say, huh? No pretentious claims to predict the twists and foreshadowing? No demands for changes?... this has to be the most complacent and apathetic audience I've had in quite some time. ::)
-
i like it the way it ends wit the rain is cool
-
Nothing to say, huh? No pretentious claims to predict the twists and foreshadowing? No demands for changes?... this has to be the most complacent and apathetic audience I've had in quite some time. ::)
yes very difficult and also feisty vm 00 so because i dont realy see some feedback on this thread ill try to give you some, despite my terrific and ubermost ugly foreign language skill i hope you get some outofit there
ye so like at the begiining your *insert ghostly maniacal laughter here*, i wouldnt insert it because its kinda unfitting to the general mood of *My name is Karr Amicus Xon. In life I was a jedi, taken from early age for training and ascending in time to a position on the Council as a Master of the Order.* i think you should do a real prolog there because its kinda important to give the reader all initial information and keep him ehm close to the plot ( like in star wars VI, princess mum beeing chased by the imperial star deaztroyer aso, all important story is right away presented, good >< bad, stoormtroopers aso, like it could also have started on the desert planet with luke finding the droids, but it didnt becauser itz important to have a furious start, especially for scifi prosa ) maybe a flashback from some future point or smt idk, also maybe a more deep insight from you who already knows the entire plot, however you should definatly work on the prolog
*This is a three-part tale about a paramount part of my life. It takes place when I was a knight of the Order, I had only just taken Ekul as my padawan...* this is very good, could be written on the ehm cover, or backcover, but hey again, who is ekul? ^^
wellthen yea the first chapter The Pebble in the Pond, you shouldnt start with the beep bepp, its really noob and i think your narative skill is well enough to be understood, but thats a personal oppinion, i just dont like stuff that is not generally fitting in the literal form ( this is important)! also at this point i can add that the general layout of the story is totally fcked up, way to many ehm paragraphs, you can easy loose the track, but that might be due to the forum
so yea chapter 1, your getting your mission: get the gangsters on nar shadaa (what is nar shadaa? x) the details, you get going, again btw, who is Master pannther ( ik ik) i always asume a reader that doesnt know sht, like what is a wookie? o0 again btw the talk with padawan ekul oo very good, kinda relaxes the situation of explainment very good pull. also very good: *I stood up and bowed. Master PannTher bowed and then licked his arm; he clearly didn't get all the way through his morning routine.* good laugh, big relaxer again
*I've always liked space; I think it had something to do with the quiet and with the stars. But this time it seemed a pinch too mundane; the station was bustling with people as always and GR and I fit in just fine, not that there was any threat yet anyways. As I sat at my terminal I watched the transport arrive outside the terminal, a large cruiser. Once it was unloading I saw that it was loaded with people coming to Coruscant, some of them on business but most of them looking like poorer folk planning to stay in Coruscant; probably a nice move from Nar Shaddaa.*
my favorite part in chapter 1 there really nice setting
again the hyperspace seqence to nar shadaa
"*bong*... Please take your seats and buckle in, prepare for the jump to hyperspace in 60 seconds."
I sat down in the nearest seat but didn't buckle in, I've done enough space travel to not get caught off guard by the jump and fall down.
"...*bong* Thirty seconds........................................All crew and passengers please brace yourselves. Hyperspace jump in 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2..."
At that moment the ship violently jolted and the image outside the window peeled away to thin streaks and we were in hyperspace.
"... *bong* You may now resume movement about the ship freely. We'll be exiting hyperspace in approximately twelve hours. In the mean time, we at Nar Shaddaa Transit would like to invite you to the Cafe and Observation decks and enjoy your flight!"
total wakas and gey like hell, whoT? the countdown started 10 9 8 7 ok you get the point a **bong** is just a loud sound filled with adjectives idk in inglais like echoing through the halls aso.
ok back to the story, you then get arrested on that transport, cool scene real tension, real good narrating of your part then in the monolog and the escape out of the cellblog there total cool and action loaded, but lookout there your not getting into that cocky tone 2 much like here
*At this point I silently and quickly ran from my cover and leaped lightly onto the back of the controls, perching like a bird on the console with a big smile! The guy still in the console area heard me and turned around suddenly, startled by the sound!
"Hi!" I said as I punched him hard, knocking him down cold!* well yea id bet you said nothing x)
ok then you get going to takeover the ship, free the first officer aso, real good part, maybe a bit overloaded
also the part with steve the guard, very funny, good entertainment factor ,)
"Mmm hmm... sure." he rolled his eyes, "FIRE!" l0l!
then very well told story all the way up to
*"Alright men! Thanks to-" he looked over at me.
"Karr Xon." I laughed.* tension > climax very well narrated by you also there
ok then you start really taking back the ship, way to much cylindrical shapes here one on another your getting a headache when trying to imagine the situation also the trouble comes a bit of surprising, like you didnt know what elso could happen
*....onward I went, step by step. Time seemed to stagger and the air was hot with energy; it was most uncomfortable and I felt terribly cut off from the rest of the universe. Suddenly, my commlink buzzed to life.
"Karr! This is Gromdlore! We've been found out! They're assaulting our position heavily; they may have diverted more than just half their forces from the bow." he was yelling and I could hear blaster fire in the background.*
but ok ik ik most of the following reads itself (o0) very smooth, very well told also
*"I read you *gasp* Gromdlore...*gasp* what was that second jolt?" I asked between breaths, rubbing my legs; on both sides I could start my upper leg again and the rest of my leg began to feel like it was asleep, which was a good sign. The smell of burnt hair still held heavy in the air, it was hard to not to vomit when I could smell the burnt flesh of the guard.
"The ship took some sort of hit when it came out of hyperspace!"*
good tension turning point there, youre really like, dude get them ship already!
also the following part where you *sat in the maintenance room for a while.* very good part, very chilly setting also good reraise to the main plot there, but also a bit ockward ( i dont care if itz written otherwise x) ok then you go into that computer core, the dude has unfortunatly deleted the death star plans already x)) KarrXon has still no idead of whats going on really and you reach the bridge of them transport ship finally but instead of another fine action scene the reader gets a detailed description of the damn bridge, i dont like this part, also the talk between the large leader and the other guy seems kinda unreal
*"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" he yelled with a voice full of rage and hatred! "Filthy betraying B----!!!"
"What further action do you recommend, sir?" the frightened man asked, retreating a step back with the sudden burst of rage from his leader.* there idk kinda unreal
well yea, then you find out about the transportship plot and the lady of nar shader :o
( you could also instead of the previous dialog between the large leader and the otherguy, makeitso that KarrXon is watching a hollo-tranzmission between them lady and that Commander Bulgren like: Yo beotch why you trying to blow us up heh? You led the jedi here you F00l ! idk just an idea, worked great for episodes 1-3 .)
so then you work together with largeleader and do some real kinky stuff
Bulgren: *"What the hell's going on?"* l0l! nice pull 0o also the final sequence with the heroic first mate rescuing you, very nice+
ok sht i gtg to a star trek conversion now, ill continue from
*I had unpleasant images in my sleep, but I would not be able to recall them. As I stirred from my sleep, my senses slowly returned to me....*
next time im here *nerdishwink*
-
Awesome feedback, thanks! I really appreciate your thoughts. There are reasons why I haven't shown the Lady yet and that, despite the fact that it's clear she's a major character in the story, you generally don't get to see her or find out any revealing information; I need her to remain enigmatic until the reveal.
I get what you mean about the "cocky tone" during the action, but I think I want that; it helps emphasize the idea that he is an overconfident jedi knight, who will have something of a rude awakening. But you might be right, so I'll think it over. Thanks again for the feedback!
-
aw np Ä_X
so after the firstmate rescued you from the bridge you are recovering in the medzone
*"Your wounds healed remarkably fast; I've seen less harmed people recover slow that you."* that is totally ironic that i say this this but i think there is a spelling mistake there 00
*the doors opened for no reason of our doing; as if someone had opened them from the other side, but when we secured the room we found that nobody had been near the controls."* this is a cool part, fits perfect in the setting
now then youre talking to Gromdlore, he is explanating whot was happening
*a mildly bad blaster wound* here that sound strange, midly bad,( a light wound i think, idk )
but the entire part around *"My peers can perform some amazing feats, Gromdlore," I laughed, "I got one of the more mundane gifts, but just as useful perhaps."* verygood part, also the jedi part then, very fitting
*I've been dead a few times in my life, as ironic a statement as that is. Not as cool as many other jedi gifts, perhaps, but it wasn't my choice in the first place."* cool part, helps understanding KarrXon way bettr, good pull 0o
*Right after we turned you over, we looked over to see him on the ground, holding a blaster to his head* this comes surprising, had he so much fear of the shader lady?? xd
ok then after the talks to gromdlore your chill there undercover
*After about a half hour of vigorous exercises, I sat down for a second to catch my breath. The strength had not diminished from my body despite the strain of the warm ups, but rather it felt as though it had grown; but I felt out of breath in spite of this, most likely due to my body regaining lost oxygen from the coma and from the exercises. As sat on the bed, I heard the sound of small repulsorlifts behind me.
"How long have you been in here, GR?" I said, turning to face her.* very good part around GR, real good, reads itzself very smooth there up to the ending.
*With all of this new information, I could see that the mission was going as well as realistically possible, especially with the setback in space. I laid down and did my best to get some more sleep...* of chapter 1, perfectly round there, very well narrated ending, creates real tension for reading of the secound chapter, Chapter 2: Unaware on a Fishhook, very nice+
c reporting for capital media about KarrXon's The Nemesis Chapter 1: The Pepple in the Pond ü_P
-
people are waiting for the continue !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111
-
I know I know! I'm sorry! I'll get on that ASAP!
-
is that the end of chapter II?
-
Hey Karr!
Still waitting here man...
This is no way of ending this:
"...I had no way of knowing how well they would be able to see the ship and the exterior, or the missing door under the wing..."
Regards,
Menelaos